Our Story of Infertility

Infertility sucks. Really bad.

Talking about our infertility is really hard for both of us. It's extremely personal. So, why am I putting our story out there for everyone to read? I'm writing this for me. I'm writing this for my family. I'm writing this for all of the women out there who have struggled silently with infertility. Since I am writing about something so personal, I hope that everyone who reads this will respect that this is a personal and intimate part of our lives. Life is short and if our story helps someone else through their day, then I'm happy to share. We're all in this together, right?!

Did you know...

• infertility is a disease of the reproductive system that impairs the body's ability to perform the basic function of reproduction
• 1 in 8 women struggle with infertility
• 1 in 4 women will miscarry
• only 15 states have insurance that cover infertility, including IVF; most insurance companies do not cover infertility...at all
• infertility affects men and women equally
• 25% of infertile couples have more than one factor that contributes to their infertility

Our story starts way back when we were trying to get pregnant with Dayton. My body didn't work right and we had a pretty good idea of why. I don't have hormones. At least, I don't have the right ones. Thankfully, after a few tests and starting fertility drug treatments, we got the happy news that we were pregnant. Our infertility only lasted about five months the first time around - which is a good thing because I don't know if I emotionally could have handled more than that. God is good.

We new that we wanted more kiddos, so around the time Dayton turned one, we started trying for baby #2. I went back on the fertility treatments immediately. We tried month after month, but my body wasn't responding to the fertility drugs and something was just not right. I'm not very good at expressing my emotions or what we went through during this time, but I'll try to explain it the best I can. I was frustrated. I was mad. Didn't my body know what to do already? I mean, we'd done this once already and I had a wonderful pregnancy. My hopes of my first pregnancy "kick starting" my body went down the drain really fast.

This time around, it was a constant two week cycle; two weeks until we could try, then two weeks of waiting to find out if it had worked. It was a cycle that I felt like I could never get out of. I'll be the first to tell you that it's not fun to pee on a stick from day 10-20 and see nothing. No little smiley face. Just an empty circle. We couldn't even "try." It's all I thought about. It was a constant emotional roller coaster ride of hope, disappointment, and heartbreak. Not to mention the side affects of the fertility treatments: nausea, bloating, headaches, depression, trouble sleeping, hot flashes, abdominal cramping, mood swings, etc. Each month the side affects got worse and worse. The emotional ups and downs got worse. It just was really really not good. If I didn't have my faith, I would have really lost it. My prayers sounded like this, "God, I'm trying so so hard to trust you in this. Please help me trust you. I hurt so bad. I'm trying, God. I'm trying to trust you."

After 6 rounds of fertility treatments and not one positive pregnancy test, my doctors told me that the 7th treatment would need to be my last. The fertility drugs are very hard on your body (obviously) and they didn't want my body to build a resistance to them if we wanted any hope of using them in the future to get pregnant. After this last month, we would have to go on a three month break. During our 7th round of treatments, the doctors did a few more tests and we went from bad news to worse. I will never forget that call.

"From what we are seeing from the most recent tests, it will be nearly impossible for you to get pregnant on your own, even with the fertility treatments."

They told us that they didn't want to waste our money on IUI (an in office fertility treatment) and had scheduled an appointment for us to see the IVF specialists in Iowa City. The call lasted for about thirty minutes. I was numb.

Wait. What? After time stood still for about thirty seconds, about 8 bazillion thoughts and questions started going through my head. (Did I mention I was at work when I got this call? I had to put on my happy face and go pick up my kids from specials five minutes after the call.) 

IVF. Where are we going to get $30,000? We can't get pregnant. What's wrong with me? Why can't we just have a baby? All we wanted was a family. I'm broken. I'm a woman, but I don't work. God, why are you letting this happen to us? We're good parents, right? What if IFV doesn't work?

Why, God? Why?

I cried more over those months of trying and after that news then I have ever cried in my life. It was almost too painful to bear. I was so afraid that I was only going to get to experience all the joy of being pregnant and having a baby made by us (in our home) only one time. At least I got that one time right? Some people don't even get that. Don't get me wrong, this situation made me even more thankful for our one sweet little boy. But I wanted babies. Lots of them. All of that was slipping away from me much faster that I ever thought was possible. 

Throughout the whole process, we had cried out to God. We had prayed countless prayers for a baby. Our church small group and our families were praying for us. Friends were praying for us. About a week after we got the news, we opened up to our small group and told them everything that was going on. Brad did a great job of explaining it all. Our friends cried with us and prayed with us. The guys and girls split up to pray. The girls in our group had me sit in the middle of the floor as they sat around me and put their hands on my shoulders. My friends prayed over me and our situation. They prayed the most beautiful, heartfelt prayers I have ever heard. It was the most powerful spiritual moment I have ever had. It may sound odd to some, but it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced. 

A few days later, I really broke down. During nap time, I sat in the living room chair reading the Psalms and just pouring my heart out to God. It was that Sunday afternoon that I finally gave it all completely to God. There was absolutely nothing we could do. Our baby would have to come straight from God. That day, God gave me the most peaceful feeling. God's got this. He's going to give us our baby, it just wasn't right then. I just felt at peace and was resting in His arms and His time. I was finally okay. Don't get me wrong, it still hurt like hell, but I gave up the control and was just trusting. I didn't know how God was going to do it. I didn't know when God was going to do it. I didn't know what it would look like when God expanded our family. All I could do was trust in our Lord.

Studying the Psalms could not have come at a better time in my life. David shares some very raw emotions in the Psalms. He is heart on his sleeve, nothing to hold back, crying out to God with anger, fear, pain, and hope. It was exactly what I needed.

Psalm 34:17-18 ~ "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he deliver them from all of their troubles. The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." 

Psalm 61:1-2 ~ "Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I." 

Psalm 62:1-2 ~ "Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken."

Interestingly enough, after we had found out out our "bad news" our Pastor announced in church that the next series would be called, "Praying for a Miracle." As soon as he said it, Brad and I turned to each other with eyebrows raised. That's exactly what we were doing and what we needed.

As you can see, we did get our miracle. God gave us our miracle baby. He gave us our miracle baby (or at least we found out about our babe) just two days after I had my Sunday afternoon "come to Jesus and give Him everything."

Here's the timeline of how awesome God is.

• October 20th - we got "the call"
• a few days later - we "tried" just for the hec of it
• November 8th - my Sunday afternoon of surrender
• November 9th - positive pregnancy test
• November 10th - positive blood test
• November 12th - another blood test to confirm rising  hormone levels
• November 17th - our 6.5 week appointment and ultrasound

It was official. We were pregnant and our baby was growing. Our 6.5 week ultrasound was to make sure there were no complications. Apparently, taking fertility drugs can actually cause problems in your pregnancy. But, our little miracle was a-okay. God gave us our miracle baby.